Soooooo…here’s a random post after a looooong time of not
writing on this! I had the best of
intentions when I decided to blog last semester in El Salvador, but after a
couple months I definitely just gave up.
My original intent was to keep a record of my experiences for close
friends and family, and also (selfishly) to maybe make the transition a bit
easier for me upon returning to the US knowing that close friends and family
knew at least a little bit of what I was up to last semester and where I was coming
from. I got frustrated with my
incapability to write out everything I was seeing and experiencing, and
eventually kind of decided that I just wanted to LIVE the experiences, and not
necessarily worry about documenting it or trying to get people at home to see
and understand everything...which after so long would really be impossible. After all, four months was a long time,
and I realized El Salvador wasn’t just a trip I was taking but rather a home
from a chapter of my life, and it felt weird to record my (what was then)
normal daily/weekly/whatever life on the internet (cause that is weird…and
annoying). I’ve never FELT so much
in my life, and not just then, but now too. Felt the purest and most innocent joy and happiness, but
also the deepest sadness and anxiety, sometimes both in one day. I feel like I’m wearing my heart on my
sleeve a lot of times and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve also never witnessed such deeply
HUMAN living – from being with people who live off their land, who work one day
to live the next, who spend all morning preparing lunch, all afternoon
preparing dinner, to being surrounded by people who are really, really good at
living with and for other people and whose example makes me want to do the same with the greatest intention every single day. I’ve seen how
this world is so much bigger than my own worries and problems, and even writing
this is another reminder of that to me, and the CONNECTEDNESS we have as humans
whether we like it or not has been greatly comforting. I can say that I have never met so many
people in such a short time that have left such a strong mark on myself and on
my heart. I could list off a good
amount of specific people that have impacted my way of thinking or moving
through life and exactly how they did. I gained a family in Tepecoyo, and
relationships with my housemates and some other friends that are some of the
most REAL than I have ever had, because of a mutual willingness to be open,
genuine, gentle with one another, and probably because like I said before, I’ve
never learned so much from a group of people in one period of time like
that. And I say all that to
express my gratitude. I am so grateful for every opportunity, encounter, and person I have
come into contact with over the last ½ year. I’ve done a lot of questioning of my beliefs and faith, more
than I ever have before which at some points has really shaken me to the core,
but one thing I cannot deny is that God had his hand in placing me in El
Salvador, in Casa Silvia, in Tepecoyo, with each specific person there. And that gives me great comfort. I definitely don’t want to just relive
the past (well, I do, but really I don’t), but rather remain SO GRATEFUL for
last semester and all of the blessings in my life that have come from it and
intentionally carry each person and experience in my heart with me – as many
have taught me - as crazy, crazy life moves on every day. I also want to say, very very
importantly, that it wasn’t just people in El Salvador that have occupied my
mind in the last months; I know I don’t have to go to another country to find
great relationships and people…I just happened to find a LOT of them there in
one place. I’ve been so grateful
for my family and close friends, and some of these relationships have affected,
challenged, and helped me to grow in an equally heart-wrenching way over the last
months. I’ve never been so scared
for the future, TRULY, next month, next year, three years from now, but I’m
also very excited because God is stinkin’ good and whatever he puts me through
I know I have been given more tools to handle in the way that is best, and the
truest beauty is sure to pop out at points along the way.
